i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize