I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize