Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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