Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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