I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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