We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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