So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
