look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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