somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
