The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
