also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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