I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
