i think my mom watched the whole time
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
