I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Randomize
