you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
