Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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