You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
