I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
