Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
