Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
