it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
