while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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