thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
