Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
