I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
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