Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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