i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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