Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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