u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
