so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize