Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
