I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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