I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
