Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
