I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
