You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
