I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
