Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize