I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
