Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
