did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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