last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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