my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
