Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
