He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
