Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
