My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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