and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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