do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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