____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
