i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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