and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
