I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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