Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I didn't notice because vodka
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize