after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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