I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
