This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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