I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize